It’s not unusual for kids to behave differently in different settings. For instance, you’d expect a child to act one way at a friend’s birthday party and another at her grandparents’ house. But the behavior of some kids — especially those with issues such as anxiety, learning disabilities, ADHD and autism — can vary much more markedly, especially when they’re at home versus school. This discrepancy can leave parents puzzled, if not upset, and worried that they’re doing something wrong.
Take the case of Sam, now 15, who is gifted but also diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, ADHD and learning challenges. His mother, Maratea Cantarella, who serves as executive director of Twice Exceptional Children’s Advocacy, recalls how challenges at school led to explosive behavior at home.
At school, between trying to please his teachers and interact with peers, “he was really working hard to keep himself in control,” Cantarella says. By the time he got home, “I felt often that he was just looking for a way to release all the built-up tension.” Release it he did, with 30-minute tantrums over homework or “really anything,” complete with screaming, throwing things, and sometimes kicking and head-butting. Afterward, when he was calm, she adds, “he would feel terrible shame and guilt.”
But for some kids, school is where their challenges are most visible. Chloe, 8, has selective mutism and social anxiety. Her mother, Kim Byman, says that at home, Chloe is a “fun, goofy, talkative, energetic girl.” But when she gets to school, she shuts down. She has never spoken to her teachers or classmates, though she participates in all areas that don’t require being verbal. She won’t ask to use the restroom; she waits until she gets home.
So why is it kids can perform so differently in different settings?
Why do some kids do better at school?
Some children may do a good job meeting expectations at school, but it’s such a struggle for them it will take its toll at home. Children with ADHD, anxiety, autism and learning disabilities “may be using a lot of their resources to follow directions or cope in the classroom,” says Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. Once all these kids get home, “it’s challenging for them to conjure up the same amount of resources to manage.”
Meanwhile, she adds, many kids, including those on the autism spectrum, benefit from the consistency, structure, predictability and routine that come with their school environment. This often cannot be mirrored at home “because that’s not how life works,” she says.
At school, rewards and consequences are likely to occur in a consistent way that may be more challenging for parents to set up at home. Also, social modeling in school can help kids fall into line, literally and figuratively. Finally, teachers have no time for dawdling: If a child doesn’t follow a direction on the first or second prompt, the teacher will likely have an immediate consequence, whereas parents might end up allowing their child to avoid or delay the next step because they spend a lot of time talking about it.